12.31.08
Good Bye 2008
Dear 2008,
The time has come to say good bye and go our separate ways-I will move forward into 2009 and you? Well you will become another memory in my life. I will look back and think “2008? hmm….2008 wasn’t all that bad”. It’s not to say that you were a walk in the park all the time because we both know you weren’t but I have to hand it you-when you got it right? You really got it right!
You brought me another amazing year with my Belle-a year that saw her start second grade and earn her first ballet solo. I grew closer than ever to my “momtourage”-the women who are quick to offer a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or a dinner full of laughs and red wine. I had some fabulous times with my girls. I mean really? Who could forget my 28th birthday? 8 girls + grey goose+ patron shots+ pole dancing= lots of fun! I helped my “baby” celebrate her 21st birthday and watched as my friends took their place in the “adult world” that we used to dread. We all grew up in so many ways this year….some more than others but “growth” was definitely the theme of 2008.
I finally became a US Citizen and voted for the first time ever (so super cool!!!). I learned to let go of all the pain and anger I had towards my Dad. It is not easy but it is allot better than being angry. I am (slowly) learning to let go of my expectations of Belle’s dad-he is who he is and I can’t change that. It is not worth it to be angry or disappointed when he is not the father I want him to be. He never will be and I hate to say it but that’s ok. He is trying and Belle loves him so I need to let him be the dad he is. I am making peace with my issues with my family. I am accepting them as they are and not expecting anything more from that situation. I have been fortunate enough to create a wonderful and loving “family” unit for me and Belle and that alone makes up for my lack of connection to my other family.
And what would 2008 be without one powerful, long lasting lesson-the lesson to love and be loved? I had not tasted a LOVE like this before-a love so unconditional I could feel it in my soul. It is a love that will forever leave its mark on me regardless of the outcome. Like all things that are worth having-this love is not easy. It is at once simple and complicated but very well worth it. I don’t know what 2009 has in store for us but 2008? You get a gold star for bringing this incredible man into my life.
So tonight as I bid you farewell and welcome in the New Year, I will offer a prayer of gratitude for all that I have and all that is yet to come. Thank you 2008-you will forever be a part of me.
Love,
Me
12.30.08
Disneyland + Christmas = MAGIC
I’m back!!! Our trip was AMAZING! Everything from the look of total and complete shock on her face to the brunch that ended our trip was perfect. When she opened the box with the tickets and realized we were going NOW…wow..she just about died of happiness! I don’t pat myself on the back too often but this time? Oh hell yeah…I was high fiving myself from here to Orange County.
There was something so magical about being together just me and my “Belle” on Christmas Day at The Happiest Place on Earth. We all know how I feel about the holidays but for the first time in my whole entire life ( yes, all 28 years!) I was totally and utterly happy and at peace on Christmas. It was a feeling I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Never mind that we spent all of Christmas evening soaking wet from the crazy rain or that our Christmas meal was Italian take out eaten on our hotel bed….everything was just right for the moment. We enjoyed every minute together and created memories that will last a lifetime (like riding the Big Thunder Railroad TEN times!). We took a million pictures, ate brownies for breakfast, drank massive amounts of Coke and Hot Chocolate and walked around with princess tiaras all day long. Years from now, when I look back to this trip the one word that will sum it up will be HAPPY. For a brief moment in time, all my drama was forgotten and the only thing that mattered was that my Belle was happy.
Our last night there, we stayed late to watch Fantasmic and the fireworks show…as I stood behind her watching the beautiful lights explode in the dark sky, I sent a grateful and silent prayer to God and The Universe for bringing her into my life. She has saved me so many times without evening knowing it. She has given me hope and a reason to be and just like those beautiful fireworks, she has lit up my life.
Our view of Toon Town right before the crazy rain!
Cinderella's Castle
12.24.08
Merry Christmas
I’m off to go and pack for my wonderful Christmas surprise! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday doing whatever it is that you love hopefully in the company of those that you love!
I leave you with a scene from one of my favorite movies “Love Actually”
12.18.08
Ready, Set, Go!
It’s official!!! We are spending Christmas at ”The Happiest Place on Earth”! I have everything all lined up-airline, hotel and rental car! She has no idea what I have planned for her and I am bouncing of the walls with excitement.
Last night was her school’s “Christmas Show” and of course I sat through the whole thing misty eyed. I wonder if I will ever watch her perform without crying? I am seriously the biggest cry baby I know. Last week she was in another school production-a play about the birth of Jesus- and I swear the kid just about killed me. She auditioned for a spot on the dance team and of course she got it. So picture this-she is dressed in all white with beautiful angel wings and a halo. They start singing and dancing some song about “the night heaven came down” when all of a sudden my kid starts shaking her hips like Shakira! It was so funny…I mean it was part of the routine but believe me -no one else was shaking their hips like my kid! She is such a performer!
She now wants to take ballroom dancing lessons but I am not sure if we will be able to fit into our already busy schedule. If she is serious about it though-I am sure I will find a way to make it work. For her? I always find a way.
12.16.08
Sweet Escape
I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned this but I am not a holiday person. I am not into any part of it and every year I just hope that the month goes by fast so I don’t have to deal with it anymore than necessary. Of course having a child complicates that a bit but I can fake it with the best of them and my daughter has always had a full holiday experience.
I won’t go into the reasons why I don’t like the holidays-suffice to say that I have had allot of bad experiences during those times. I have enjoyed the experiences I have had with my daughter but even those have been tainted with ghosts from my past. It is not fair for her to have to deal with my issues so every year I do my best to make this a happy time and do the things I am “supposed” to do.
We have already done the picture with Santa and then holiday cookie baking, next on the list-Christmas gifts. I was expecting a full list of things on her wish list and when she gave me a list with like 5 things on it-I was left clueless as to what to get her. I mean the things she asked her for were things that I know she will play with once and then never touch again. We have a box full of toys like that and I was determined not to go down that road again.
In a flash of brilliance, I jumped on-line and got the most perfect escape planned for us. I am taking her to “The Happiest Place on Earth” for Christmas!!! I am SO excited!!!!!
This is perfect on so many levels: 1) She has always wanted to see the park at Christmas time 2) I will be giving her a memory that will last longer than any toy or gadget I could give her 3) It will be the start of a new tradition for us.
For the first time that I can possibly remember I am actually really and truly excited to share in this holiday season with her. I still have a few things to nail down but if all goes well (and it will!!!!) this will be the year that changes the holidays for me. Can’t wait for our sweet escape!
12.12.08
A Beautiful Mess
I know I may be coming across as slightly obsessed with Jason Mraz but really? His songs speak so much to me…I could almost swear they were written for/by/about me (I do realize how insane that sounds). I am at a crossroads in my life and lately it seems like the most trivial things that have come to my attention are trying to tell me something. The books I am reading? Yes, the ones that talk about a seemingly impossible but absolute true love? The song lyrics that literally stop me in my tracks? I know…I know how crazy it sounds. I also know that I may just be reading too much into nothing but I can’t help it. I am looking for answers and since none of the conventional methods seem to be giving them to me I am grasping desperately for something.
Today I leave you with the most exquisite version of Jason Mraz singing ” A Beautiful Mess” at the Nobel Peace Prize Awards.
12.08.08
Numb
Numb…that is how I felt this weekend. Numb to all the craziness going on around me. I made no effort to try and make sense of anything or to try and figure out what to do. I just did nothing.
I am not a “do nothing” type of girl…not at all but I right now? What can I do? I can’t change much of what is going on and I finally realized that I can only cry so much and feel so much before I am drained. It was odd to lay there in bed alternating between watching TV and reading yet another self help book-I felt weirdly disconnected from everything. I kept feeling like I should be “doing” something, anything but I just couldn’t.
Numb is not a feeling I enjoy but for now it is a feeling I will hold on to. It will get me through this week, maybe even this month.
12.05.08
Bittersweet Symphony
My life right now? IS. CRAZY. And not in a good way. It is crazy in a way that keeps me up at night wondering what to do. There is so much going on at home, at work , in my personal life. The only area of my life that keeps me grounded is motherhood. It is my daughter who hugs me as I hold back the tears and tell her that “I’m fine, baby, really I am”. It is her who gives me strength and makes me laugh when all I want to do is break down and cry.
The other day someone said me “No matter what happens, you will be OK, you will be happy” . My first reaction was to punch him ( I didn’t!!). Of course, I will be OK. I don’t have a choice-I have a daughter to raise and a life to live. Regardless of that-the pain is still there, the challenges are still there and nothing can change that right now. I have been through allot in my life. My writings here have barely skimmed the surface of my experiences but they have given you a general idea. I have taken responsibility for my choices and changed the things that did not work. The only problem is that I can only change myself -I can’t change the people or events around me. And that is where things get complicated. That is where the challenges arise, the heartbreak is felt and dreams begin to shatter.
I won’t sit here and feel sorry for myself. I have ALLOT to be grateful for-an amazing daughter, my health, a great group of people I love, a job and countless other blessings both big and small. I will get through this month and look back at it as another one of those formative times. The times where I learn how strong I really am and where I learn more about myself than I thought possible.
But today? Today I will be sitting back, listening to this song and doing some really deep soul searching. My life is waiting to be lived and there is only so much time left to sit back and watch it go by.
