This post has been in my “drafts” folder for some time now-for a variety of reason none which really matter anymore. I would start writing and then read it and start all over again. I felt like no matter what I said or how I said-it would never truly articulate how I am feeling.  But the thing is- I don’t care to sound intelligent or even articulate-I just care to sound like a woman who has fallen in love.

It is a huge feeling to see in black and white-to announce that you are in love. I did not see this coming, did not think I deserved another chance at love. I had resigned myself to living my life as a single mother, creating my own “family” out of the people that embraced my daughter and I. 

 In my deepest, darkest moments-I thought that I was getting exactly what I deserved. It is hard to admit that, hard to write those words but that is the truth.  I have spent a lifetime feeling like no matter what I did-it was not good enough, that I could and should do better. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for years because I was scared to leave, scared that no body would love me and believing foolishly that if I was smarter or prettier or more understanding that he would love me the  way I wanted to be loved-unconditionally.

I have been pretty open about my healing-my years in therapy, the mistakes I have made along the way, the people I have hurt. I have talked openly about my failed marriages, my “crushes” and even about the possibility of something new. I have met some wonderful people along the way and they have all played a part in who I am today.  Until now I had not written about this not because it is not important or worthy of my words but because I wanted to cherish it alone for a while, hold it close to me and find the right words to describe it.

This love? I was not expecting this at all..it literally knocked me on my ass and left me speechless…which for those of you who know me…know that is almost impossible! I tried desperately to put in words what I was feeling, what was running thru my mind and every time I would read it…it just wasn’t quite right. At times, it is still difficult to explain (even to him) how I feel-how right this feels. I want to get it right. I want him to know that he is not second to anyone nor will I ever look back and wonder “what if”. I have made allot of mistakes and I have paid dearly for them but loving him no matter what were to happen is not a mistake.

We met in a most random way, in a situation that was set in motion years and years ago. Any number of things could have easily changed that but luckily it didn’t. He captivated me from the start and drew me in without even trying. We both enjoyed each others company and I know this was as unexpected for him as it was for me. From our first meeting on- we both knew this was something different, something special. There were concerns shared and issues to work out but deep down inside we both knew there was no going back. Things are still new, still in the beginning stages but I am happy just to have met him.

And so I move forward on a new path, one where he holds my hand and where we move along together. A path where I finally feel loved and accepted in the most unconditional way possible.