09.29.08
It’s OK…
Dear Me,
It’s OK…breathe and let it all go. Let all the anxiety, guilt, fear and anger just GO. I know you really really want to go all 187 on some people (who really do deserve it!) but you can’t and you know that so let it go.
So in the meantime…It’s OK :
*to want to beat the life out of the dumbass who thinks it is OK to put his needs wants ahead of his child’s education and interests. In the end, it is his loss-you know that you are doing the best you can.
*to limit (as much as possible) your interactions with toxic people who have nothing positive to contribute to your life and who you otherwise would never even look in their direction except for that wicked twist of fate which made you relatives.
*to stand your ground and hold firm in your beliefs-no matter how unpopular they may be with said relatives. If they weren’t so freaking self righteous-they might have been capable of at least respecting your views instead of judging you for them.
*to not care and keep on moving forward with your life. The drama around you is NOT yours..don’t own it, or even acknowledge it…just keep moving forward.
This is turning out to be a very challenging time in your life but remember-”Out of extreme difficulty, greatness is born”. So keep your head high, keep on moving forward and never lose sight of the things that matter.
Yours in this challenge,
Me
Family Ties
I have a complicated relationship with the meaning of “family”. Most people define their family as their “blood relatives”…I don’t. I have never felt a connection to most of my family and I don’t care to play into the family dynamics either. I used to feel like something was wrong with me for not caring, for not connecting with these people. As I got older, I grew more and more distant from them with very few exceptions (like my grandma who I adore).
For reasons that are best left unsaid-I simply stopped attending all family functions and holidays. It was hard a first-I can still remember the profound loneliness I felt the first Thanksgiving I spent alone. My daughter was with her father and I stayed home alone instead of joining my “family” at dinner. Looking back, it was that was the first step I took in pulling away from them. Like any separation, it was a bit painful but well worth it.
Throughout the years I have been fortunate enough to be able to create my own family-people who love me unconditionally and support me in all that I do. They are the first to tell me when I need to get myself back on track and the first to offer their help. When I was at my lowest point-these people rallied around me and helped me to pull through. They have been there to share in all the joys that motherhood has brought me.
I used to feel a bit sad that my daughter will never have a sibling to share her life with or the “typical” family structure but now I realize that she has something more important-a real lesson in “family ties” and an amazing group of people who adore us.
09.15.08
Meltdown
This weekend was both great and awful all rolled into one. I had so much fun on Friday-spending time with “my baby” ..No, not my daughter…my cousin who in so many ways is so much more than just a “cousin”. She is like my daughter, sister, friend and confidante all in one. We don’t see each other as much as we would like but when we do it is always amazing.
I knew from the moment I woke up on Saturday that something was off. I thought maybe it was just that I was annoyed that I had to go to a wedding with my family but deep down inside I knew it was something more. { Back story-I have been pretty frustrated with my mom for a long time-to the point where I avoid her so I don’t have to deal with her} so back to Saturday-I was a bit edgy and maybe even rude to her a couple of times. We went to the wedding and it went well and all but as the night wore on I kept feeling worse and worse. I went out with a friend for some drinks and while I tried to have a good time-all I could think of was running away.
Sunday is a blur of tears and anxiety. I stayed in bed pretty much all day only getting up to get some food and kleenex. I had a meltdown of epic proportions-the kind where you are crying so much you think you are going to puke and you have equal amounts of tears and snot running down your face. It is not one of my best moments-not at all.
I hate it-the tears, the anxiety, the pain-I hate it all. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I know that I am where I am because of choices I have made and if I don’t like something in my life I need to change it. I can not change the people around me-I can only change how I react to them (see Dr.-I have learned something in therapy!!) but damn if it is not hard. I am allowing myself one more day-today- to wallow in this misery. Tomorrow? It ends-enough tears, enough misery-tomorrow it will all start getting better. I’m just not sure how.
09.12.08
I Pledge Allegiance…
Today, I stood in front of over a hundred people and recited the pledge that made me a US Citizen. To say that I am happy is a total understatement. I have been waiting for this day for years. To know that tomorrow I can go and get a passport and register to vote -well those two things pretty much make me forget all the things I am sad about.
It was strange being in that room alone-starting a new phase in my life by myself. I had no one to hug or to give me flowers or anything. When I looked up the only face I saw looking for me was the one of a a very special person who had allot to do with me being there today. I was a little sad…I really wish my daughter could have been there-she will be so proud when I vote this November. But in some ways-it was better that I was alone.
I know this sounds so corny but I really feel like a new, a better phase of my life began today. And for that? I am so so grateful.
09.10.08
Back to School Wrap Up
So we are finally settled in to our ’school routine’…not an easy task but one that we are pretty well versed in. This year should be dramatic OK..OK..interesting might be a better word. You see, this year is Holy Communion year…which yeah…um…I’m so not into at all. I know I sound like a total hypocrite..I don’t go to church or even really believe in the Catholic Church all that much yet I send my kid to Catholic school. Here’s the thing-she likes church and I do want her to have some sort of spiritual foundation. As she gets older, I will make sure she is exposed to other religions and then she can choose whatever spiritual path suits her. The problem for me is that our dictator priest is adamant that the kids attend church every week..which totally sucks and cuts into my Sunday Morning Ritual…worshipping at the Temple of Me! Sunday mornings for me usually mean getting my manicure and pedicure NOT listening to some sermon about sins and hell and what not. Of course, I will attend and pretend to listen but you can bet I will be I will be bored as all get out the whole time and possibly listening to my ipod.
So I signed up to be a Room Mom again and got selected as our Grade Coordinator. I have been a room mom since she was in kindergarten so I know the whole deal pretty well but of course the whole Communion thing should make things more interesting. I am not too sure what exactly I have to coordinate for Communion but as along as it does not involve any extra face time in church I should be fine.
To make my life that much more fun..we are now in full on recital mode. To those not in the know-it means that every Saturday between now and November my daughter (who by the way got the lead in her dance number!!!!) will be at dance practice ALL day. It will be so worth it though..when she is on stage..wow..I can hardly describe how beautiful she looks.
And did I mention that she joined the Drama club at school? Because she did and now that just adds one other thing to our schedule.
On a totally unrelated note…Can this week *please* hurry up and go by?? Pretty please?? I really really want to stand up and pledge my allegiance and all that good stuff!
09.05.08
Why is she even running?
I am about to jump on a very slippery soapbox but here goes…
What the hell is wrong with Sarah Palin? I mean I am all for women’s rights and breaking glass ceilings and what not but sometimes? You just need to know when to stop. She has FIVE kids…one is pregnant and one is a special needs child..ummm…HELLO???? She needs to be focusing on her family NOT campaigning to be the second in command. I don’t care how sexist it sounds…she needs to be a mother first and a politician second. Yes, I know her husband quit his job to care for the kids and yes, I get that is all modern and great but still…her kids need her just as much as they need him..maybe even more.
I know that there are many women out there who have super demanding jobs and kids but they all know that at one point something has to give. You either miss that super important meeting or your kids soccer game…and either way you lose something. Our country can not afford to have a VP who has to make the choice whether to be the VP today or be a mom to her kids.
I have a deep admiration and respect for all the women that have made great strides in politics, business, medicine, and every other field out there. They have made it possible for young womenlike myself to get ahead and forge a good life for ourselves and our children. These women fought battles that most of us can’t even imagine. It is through their sacrifices that women in my generation can do anything we want.
The problem with having the ability to do anything you want is that you think you can have it all. And you can’t…you just can’t have it all and be good at everything. We are humans-with strengths and weakness and moments of sheer insanity. And this? Her decision to run in this campaign? This is her moment of sheer insanity.
09.04.08
I can (almost) vote!
After *MANY* long years I will finally be able to vote. One week from today-I will have a U.S. citizenship certificate in my hands and a huge burden lifted from my shoulders. Most people do not realize I was not born here-I have no accent and have been told way too many times “but you don’t look Mexican”. ( I guess that’s where my father’s DNA kicks in-he is only half Mexican.)
I am a far cry from some people’s stereotypes of a Latina. I am not into the whole ” La Raza” movement and I could care less about being proud to be Mexican. I am not ashamed of my birthplace but I refuse to take pride in something I had no control over. I choose to be proud of who I am based on my actions and accomplishments not where I was born.
I am fortunate to live in a time and place where my ethnicity is really no big deal. I realize that racism still exists and that many people are judged unfairly by the color of their skin. However I refuse to play the race card and quite frankly have little patience for those who do. It is not to say I shun everything dealing with issues that affect Latinos-actually most of the volunteer work I do is done with an agency that helps Latino families dealing with cancer.
I am pretty sure that said I would retain my Mexican citizenship (as a Mexican citizen you can maintain dual citizenship with the U.S.) but even if I didn’t-I don’t really care. I think the only benefit I would gain from that is being able to own property which might come in handy when I buy my vacation home in Cozumel or something. I am just so glad that this whole thing is almost over and that come November-I will be casting my vote!!
09.01.08
My New Crush
Can someone please tell Jason Mraz that there is a cute girl over here that wants to have drinks with him? OK? Yeah…thanks! Jason-if your reading this-drop me a line babe! XOXO
