08.29.08
The Journal
I have always loved to write-essays, journal entries, letters and sometimes just notes to myself. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I started a journal for my child. My intention at that time was to chronicle my pregnancy and all the new experiences that come with motherhood. I always thought I would someday give that journal to my child–perhaps as gift when she turned 18 or some other major milestone.
I was really good about writing during my pregnancy and at most major events in her life. But then something happened-our lives took some turns that although a bit surprising were not entirely unexpected. I divorced her father and fell deeper and deeper into a depression that I just could not shake. One day I looked in the mirror and could not recognize the person looking back at me. I was done-done with being depressed and done with just going through the motions of each day. That same day I made an appointment with a therapist and began a long journey towards healing.
I continued writing to her-not as often but still heartfelt and always brutally honest. Occasionally I would go back and read the older entries but I never gave them much thought. At least not until the day someone found the journal and read it. I wont go into details-it really doesn’t matter how or even why he found it and read it. He asked me point blank-Do you plan to give this to your daughter? Yes, of course-why else would I go through the trouble of writing all that? You might want to rethink that idea-I’m not sure why you would want your daughter to read something so painful. Painful? What the hell was he talking about? That night I stayed up and read and reread the journal at least 50 times. I fell asleep with the book in my hands and too many questions running through my mind.
Life went on and my writing took a backseat to everything else. I still write to her and I will do so as long as I can. The question is–will I ever give it to her? There is a part of me that says-YES, she has the right to know what you went through but another part says NO-why expose her to such a painful experience?
For now that journal is buried deep in my dresser…just like the memories that it contains..buried deep in my mind.
08.25.08
Can’t Imagine Being You
“Mom-why didn’t he come?”
“He had to work baby”
“Oh-but Mom-this is the second year he missed my first day of school.”
“I know baby-I’m sorry”
Do you have any idea how awful it felt to see the sad look on her face when I had to tell her you weren’t going to be there AGAIN.
I don’t understand you and by now I know I should not even try. I just can’t imagine being you.
I can’t imagine not being there as she picks out the perfect backpack and all the new supplies. I can’t imagine not being there as she models her new uniform skirt & polo tops flashing me her trademark smile.
I can’t imagine not being there as she runs to her friends, hugging and laughing and catching up on their summer adventures. I can’t imagine not being there as she takes her first steps into second grade-finding her desk and eagerly getting settled in. “Mom-no more pictures!” she says-knowing full well that I will take pictures until the very last second.
I know that I am the lucky one-the one that gets to tuck her in at night and hold her when she is sad. I get to help her with her homework every night and listen to all her stories about her friends and her adventures. I know that this whole “co parenting” thing is not easy but the thing is…it can be allot better than what you are making of it. I have always encouraged you (even to the point of nagging) to be there for her-to build a solid foundation with her. I call, email and text you to remind you of important dates and events. But I can’t make you be there. I can’t make her feel better when you let her down yet again. And I can’t keep lying for you either-making excuses for your absences or sugarcoating the truth for her.
I just hope that she makes it through all this OK. She is such a great kid-loving, smart, sassy and more importantly-forgiving. She loves you and wants you there and I hope that you quickly realize that she won’t be a little girl for long.
08.08.08
Smile…
Now that I am off my soapbox…here are the things that brought a smile to my face today:
*rediscovering all my favorite songs from “back in the day” i.e….The Luniz, UB40, Aerosmith, Lisa Loeb, The Cranberries…sigh…good memories!
*waking up with my baby in my arms, her arms wrapped tight around me and her head resting on my chest..just like when she was a baby
* This song and the possibilities it represents
Guidelines?
There really should be some sort of etiquette book that ex wives can consult when dealing with the new girlfriend. Especially new girlfriends that hate the mere fact that you exist. I get it…I know it is hard to deal with the fact that the man you are madly in love with has ..gasp..a past…and even worse…a past that wont go away.
Ladies-here’s a tip…if you can’t deal with it then don’t date a divorced man who has kids! It’s really that simple. Should you decide to go ahead and date a dad-then be warned that with very few exceptions-his ex wife and child(ren) are NOT going to *poof* and disappear because -you- the new love of his life (or flavor of the week, month, year..whatever) came into his life.
If you are smart-you will play your cards right and at least attempt to be civil to the ex wife. I know there are some really crazy, bitter ex wives out there BUT there are just as many nice, cool ones who are not out to sabotage their ex husbands new found happiness. As hard it is to keep things in perspective-try to remember that whatever he tells you about their relationship, divorce, etc is just HIS side of the story. There are two sides to every story and most men are not likely to cough up and admit to all of their misdeeds. Oh yeah, and when you see your new love and his ex wife laughing and getting along in front of their child(ren)-don’t assume they are plotting on how to get back together. Instead of thinking the worst you should be happy that you are dating a man who is mature enough to co parent with his ex and who is not putting his child(ren) thru hell by acting a fool.
I know it is not all pretty and cozy. The best you can do is try and deal with the situation in a calm and rational manner. No matter how much you may hate the ex wife you should never talk bad about her in front of her child(ren)…you will pretty much destroy any chance you had of the child(ren) liking and more importantly respecting you. Don’t ask the ex wife to “change her last name”…you will most likely NOT get the answer you are looking for. Most importantly-be patient..the situation is new for everyone involved & it will take some time for everyone to adjust to the changes (especially when there is young children involved).
08.06.08
Will I Miss Him When He’s Gone?
So…will you miss him when he dies? “Him” being my dad. A fair question and one that I had never given much thought to. Honestly? I don’t think so. How can you miss someone you don’t really know? And more importantly who has never really been a part of your life. But he’s your dad, she says…you have to feel something for him. I do feel something-I’m jut not quite sure what it is-it’s a little more than just caring but allot less than love.
Her question has stayed in my mind and late at night when I can’t sleep it is one of the many things I think about. I have only written about my dad one other time because honestly? It still hurts. The wounds are still raw and I’m not sure how to start the healing. I used to be mean to him, I used to hurt him with my words. That was the only way I could handle dealing with him and with the rejection and abandonment I felt. I hated him for making me be a woman who at 28 still has “daddy issues”.
The truth is I don’t hate him and I know that I will never heal if all I do is hurt him. I just can’t understand the way he thinks and even less the things he does. I don’t understand how after all these years he still has not learned anything from his mistakes. Worst of all…I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how not to care, how not to cry late at night when I’m all alone.
So I guess the answer to her question is “I won’t miss him anymore than I already do”.
08.04.08
Road Trip Soundtrack
I’m not much a driver…to be perfectly honest I pretty much suck. So, when I was invited to a meeting 3 hours away..well let’s just say I wasn’t thrilled. Luckily I got an awesome companion and off we went. All was going well until we realized that we had been driving for 30 minutes in the WRONG direction!!! Any other day I would have been pissed beyond belief but yesterday all I could do was laugh. We got back on track and eventually made it to our destination. The meeting was great-I got to work with a great group of people who I deeply admire. When it was time to leave we picked the best road trip soundtrack ever.
A small sample:
Needless to say I had an awesome time!
