Some time in the not too distant past, I hurt someone in a way that no one should ever be hurt. I took all his dreams and hopes and crushed them in the most brutal way possible. I knew exactly what I was doing although I didn’t quite know why. 

This man-he loved me and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. He said and did all the right things. He loved me despite all my faults and shortcomings. He loved and cared for my child as if she was his own flesh and blood.  Our life together was exactly what I thought I wanted-except it wasn’t.

He proposed and even though it didn’t quite feel right-I said yes.  He went to work planning what he thought was the wedding of my dreams. I really could care less for a wedding but he really wanted one so it was easier to say yes and go along. I am nothing if not an excellent planner so I got right to work alongside him planning our wedding. People always remarked at how calm I was-unlike so many other brides-of course I was calm-I simply didn’t care. I knew that this one day was not going to make or break my life.

In the days leading to our wedding-I became someone I am not too proud of. I was cold, distant and pretty much rude to everyone and anyone. I knew I was making a huge mistake and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was slowly drowning and dying a slow death. The day of the wedding came and of course-I had a huge breakdown. I was in tears, hysterical and on the verge of just running away.

I didn’t run-instead I was 45 minutes late to my own wedding. I was so out of it, I honestly don’t remember much. I just know that I was not happy and it showed.  We flew to Hawaii and spent the next two weeks filling our time with activities- neither of us ready to deal with me and my issues. He knew something was wrong but did not dare touch the subject. Halfway thru the trip, he lost his wedding band while scuba diving. I told him that was an omen and that maybe that ring was never meant to be his in the first place. Way to improve the mood of the trip huh?

To make a long story short-I left him 3 months after we were married. I took off my ring (yes, my gorgeous 9 carat ring that I designed) and left it on the table. I packed up all of my things and hauled them in to storage. I moved back home and never looked back.  He tried everything possible to get me to return, he promised me the moon and the stars so long as I came back home. I listened patiently and then went out a hired a lawyer. I filed for dissolution of marriage and 3 months later was granted a legal annulment.

We had not spoken since the day I told him I had hired a lawyer. I knew thru the grapevine that he had moved on was dating and even briefly engaged to another woman who’s story was all to similar to mine ( young, single mom, etc). And then out of the blue-he sends me roses for my birthday. I sent him a short thank you and didn’t think twice about it until today.  Today would have been our 3 year anniversary-I open my email to find a note from him. He tells me he is thinking of me and that he will always remember how beautiful I am. How I wonder can this man think of me that way??? I pretty much put him thru hell and back and yet he can still think of me as “beautiful”?? Really? Because if the tables were turned I would have thought allot about him but most of those thoughts would be very very evil and mean.

That email made me remember why I loved him in the first place-because despite what people may think-I did love him. I was just not *in* love with him. He is a good man and I truly hope he finds happiness and love. I will always be thankful for the time we spent together and for the lessons I learned.