I am

…Chocolate body wash and Burberry London Perfume, long black hair, four inch heels and flip flops, brown eyes and dimples, strawberries and cupcakes

….a love of reading, a hatred of chores, an ear for interesting lyrics, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, loyal, stubborn, emotional, talkative, curious. A dreamer, a believer, a one of a kind.

…pretty dresses, black mascara, cozy sweaters, Marble Mocha Machiottos, Sunday brunch, Love Actually,Jennifer Weiner Novels,and California Love

…a Room Mom, a Dance Mom, a Young Mom, holding back the tears, embracing her with all my love, letting her shine, coming into my own light.

Dad,

It feels so strange to write that word D-A-D…..three letters that represent a lifetime of pain for me.

You are sick, you say…You need to see me. Really? You need to see me? Funny, because I “needed” you for the last 20-some years of my life and you were not there.

Please don’t try and explain yourself again…the story only gets worse with every retelling. To be honest with you….I am sick of it. I don’t care why you did what you did, I don’t care what my mom did or did not do…I simply don’t care anymore.

I am not the woman you thought I would be. You can not charm me or win me over like all the other women in your life. Why? Because you hurt me in a way that those other women can not even begin to imagine. You walked out on me and left me without a father. You started another life with another woman and another daughter and left my mother and I behind…… like toys that you were done playing with.  Don’t you dare blame my mother for bringing me to California….did you really give her much of a choice? I know better than most that my mom is not perfect but all my life she has been what you never were: a parent. You say I should not judge you and I don’t. You say I should forgive you and I do. But I can not and never will be the daughter that you “need”.

You say that I am not the only who lost out…that you lost out on a daughter. Yes, you did lose out on being a part of my life but that was your choice. You still got to be a father to two other girls, you got to see them grow into women, marry and have children of their own. You were there for their first day of school, their recitals, you taught them how to ride bikes and took them on vacations. You were there to discipline them when they needed it and to encourage them when they were down. I did not get another father.

I spent my childhood chasing perfection. I got good grades, was an honor roll student,  stayed out of trouble and involved in all kinds of activities. As I got older, the chase for perfection lost it’s luster but I kept it up.  I won awards, recognition, made my mother proud in every way possible………. all the while wishing you could be there.  Holding back the tears every-time I saw my mother standing there all alone as I received yet another award. I was lucky enough to have other people in my life who taught me ride a bike, who supported me in my endeavors and who helped me to become the person I am today. But as wonderful as they all are….they are not you.

You will never really know me the way a father should know his daughter. You will never know what makes me laugh, how easily I cry, that the cold, sarcastic front I use is just that…a front. You don’t know my favorite color, my favorite song or movie. You don’t know that I am picky eater, that I love chocolate and that like you I can not live without my Coca-Cola. You don’t know the heartache I suffered when my marriage fell apart and I was forced to make a decision that would forever change my life. You don’t know what an amazing child I have.  You have no idea the things I have been through, the highs and lows that life has dealt me. You don’t know that I have spent years in therapy trying to make sense of my life, trying to be a better person. And sadly I will never really know you either. My vision of you is clouded by pain and resentment.

You have allot ahead of you with your surgeries and all. I want you to know that I don’t hate you, that I do care about you. I won’t lie to you and say that I love you…because I can’t. I don’t know you enough to love you. We can’t turn back the hands of time and we can’t pretend that life never happened. But we can try and salvage what is left of our relationship. And at this point in time…that is all the we have left.

Your Daughter