01.28.08
Special Message for M
Congratulations & Welcome to Parenthood!
I know I have said this only about a million times before but I will say it again….Your life has just begun.
You will soon (if not already) understand why I told you that you and your child are lucky to have each other!
Hugs to you and the baby!
01.25.08
The Best of Both Worlds
(OK–I know it is pretty sad that I am borrowing my title from a Hannah Montana song but bear with me)
So last year was my first year navigating the waters as a young, single mom sending her to daughter to Catholic School. I always knew I wanted my daughter to go to private school and the school I chose for her met all of my criteria (side note: I actually created an excel sheet to compare all the schools I was considering…a bit crazy I know!). I had all the normal fears about sending my daughter off to “big kid” school plus the added fear that we might not fit in. I know we are a bit past the whole “divorce parent” stigma but still….I didn’t want my daughter to be the only kid who’s parents are divorced.
Lucky for us, my killer instincts were on the day I chose her school and we ended up with a great group of kids and parents…some who have grown to be our best friends. Of course, there are other divorced parents so my worries were totally in vain (shocking huh??).
I have dealt with the usual questions–”where is your husband?” “oh..your…divorced?” but for the most part people have been very warm and understanding. Though it is not to say it has all been a walk in the park.
One mother in particular took to asking all kinds of questions about being single, managing all my obligations, etc. I always gave her polite but vague answer because quite frankly-it is none of her business how I manage my life. One day out of the blue she said “I feel so sorry for you“ I was a bit shocked and really didn’t want to be rude as Oh..there were only like 60 other parents around me!!! I smiled politely and simply said “You really shouldn’t-I have a wonderful life and would not trade it for anything in the world.” The look on her face was priceless.
Now those of you that know me…know all too well that I showed an incredible amount of restraint in my answer. What I really wanted to say was “Bitch-I feel sorry for *you*! You have to go home everyday and play Susie Homemaker, do the carpool thing, make dinner,help your kids with homework, clean up after everyone and somewhere in all that try and have some semblance of a life” Me? I get to do my mommy thing and still have a life. Twice a month I am free to Do. Whatever. I. Want. No husband, no child, nobody to tell me what to do. I get to go shopping, to the spa, to dinner, drinks, even dancing all without having to ‘check with my husband’ or ’see if I can get a sitter’.
So you see, I do have the best of both worlds-I get to be a Room Mom (2 years running baby!) and a Dance Mom, help my baby with her homework and do all kinds of “mommy-daughter” things AND still be a young, single 27 year old who enjoys her cocktails and dancing just as much as the next girl.
Oh and by the way-Not all single mothers are the on the prowl or trying to hit on your husbands. Some of us are smart enough to know how good we have it!
01.23.08
Change
“Mom, you are acting different….are you OK?”
“I’m fine…how was your weekend?” And so it goes another conversation I avoid simply because I don’t know what else to do.
NO, I am not OK…my mind is going a million miles a minute and I have so many worries, I don’t even know where to begin. My worries? the ones I could hold in until 4 in the morning are slowly but surely creeping up at all hours. I am trying with every ounce of my being to “be positive!” and to “stay focused on the solution not the problem” but damn if it is not exhausting.
I feel the changes in me and I am proud of them. I know that the “old” me would have already made a mess of the situations I am faced with. I am proud that I recognized that I could not continue to be that person and am taking the steps to change that. But seriously? Change-it is a very difficult thing.
It takes allot of work, commitment and ALLOT of patience (something I was not really blessed with). I try to remind myself how far I have come only to be reminded how far I still have to go. I read books, listen to audio tapes, anything that will help me with this process. I am on a never ending search for “some sugar to make the medicine go down”.
She asks questions that I can not, should not and will not answer. I know it is only a matter of time before she understands but till then….I will just continue on my journey to “change”.
01.09.08
4 in the Morning….
Things that keep me up at 4 in the morning….
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Am I a good enough mother? (Seriously..I ask myself this ALL the time)
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Does she know how much I love and adore her? (Yeah…pretty sure she does!)
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Will she need therapy? (if she is anything like me-which she totally is-she will)
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Is her Academic and Social life well balanced? (Perfect report card from great private school and full social calender would indicate YES!)
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OMG….did she pass her last AR test? (Yes sir! Another perfect score)
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My hours!! Have I completed my service hours?? (promise myself to double check this tomorrow)
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Tuition….will I ever not flinch when I pay this? ( “It is an investment in her future”…that is my mantra)
See the pattern? Everything that keeps me up at 4 in the morning has to do with my daughter. She is a part of everything I do and a factor in every decision I make. There are times when I find myself wanting to be carefree again…to be impulsive, to just not care. But I can’t….and I know that all too well. I have learned the hard way that my impulsiveness will only lead to regret and eventually to some major crisis management.
It is not always easy but I try to shield her from the turmoil and ugliness of life. I know that eventually she will deal with her own challenges but right now? All I want is for her to be a kid. To have fun, to learn, to grow, to make her own mistakes. I don’t need nor do I want her to worry about me or anything else.
She is no dummy…there is no hiding my pain, my anger or my sadness from her. She can smell it faster than a lion can smell blood and she does not hesitate to go in for the kill–”mommy, what’s wrong?”. I lie and tell her I am fine or give her some vague answer about “grown up stuff”. She knows better than that and so I must keep a poker face and hold it all in. Trust me—that is no small thing for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat. When I am sad, mad, whatever….you will know it.
She is too young, too innocent to be burdened with my pain so I keep it all in.
Till 4 in the morning when the tears start rolling and the worries all come to life.
01.04.08
So There!
She’s going to have a what?? A baby? Are you kidding? Her???
Yeah, those were just some of the reactions to the news that I was going to join the ranks of motherhood. And those are just the tame ones. Most people agreed when I would say “I’m just not very maternal” I never had the urge to pretend that my dolls were babies or to babysit or do whatever things maternal girls do. I just didn’t have it in me.
I was an only child for eleven years. Those eleven years allowed me to be selfish and self centered. What you say? The world doesn’t revolve around me? Ha–I don’t believe it!! And I didn’t believe it even I was clearly proven otherwise. I liked the little universe I had created for myself and had every intention of staying in it. I made all of my decisions- big and small- with that selfish mentality until she came along and changed everything
Trust me…nobody was more scared about me being a mother than ME! How would someone so self centered, so selfish care for another human being?? I knew better than most people that I had allot of growing up to do in a very short time. Nine months is hardly enough time to prepare you for the role of a lifetime. I knew that I would be watched and judged by those around me but I didn’t care. Failure was not an option. And I? I was going to show them all!
Looking back at the last six (almost seven!) years, I marvel at the person I have become. I am not a perfect mother (who is?) but I am very proud of the choices I have made and the daughter I am raising. Each new milestone in her life is a bittersweet moment for me. I am filled with a tremendous amount of love and pride that is also twinged with a small dose of sadness– sadness for how fast she is growing, for the times we are leaving behind. More than anything, she fills me with hope. Hope for me, for her and the future that awaits us.
It is still a mystery to me how I became the mother that I am today…not biologically (duh!) but emotionally. How I was able to put aside the selfishness, get out of the universe I had created for myself and join reality…I don’t know that I will ever really understand it. I am just so grateful that it happened.
So to all those people who doubted me…she is living proof that you (and I) were all wrong.
01.02.08
Little Wonders….
Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by,
It’s the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now
–Rob Thomas
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So that girl of ten years ago? She would have thought you were crazy if you told her that one day..in the not too distant future..she would be a mother. You see….Motherhood? Yeah, that was so not in her plans. She always had visions of a grand life —a nice home in a vibrant city, an exciting job and of course the requisite husband. Children were never really a part of the plan because quite frankly she did not see herself as the “mommy” type. She wanted a fast, glamorous life and children did not fit into the equation at all.
Of course, Fate had other plans and today I can not imagine my world without my daughter. She is my “Little Wonder”…my twist of fate. No mother ever imagines being a single or divorced mother but that is what I became. Yes, it was my choice. I chose to walk away from the marriage in which this child was conceived. There are times when I wish I could really believe what I tell myself (and what I tell others)–That I left after much thought and consideration–. The truth is I left in a fit of anger and pain. I checked out of the relationship as soon as I got an inkling that he was not going to live up to my expectations of him as a father. The rest? The “divorce” and the ensuing drama? Well..all that was just the aftermath. As with any marriage…there is much more to the story but most of it? It really isn’t worth rehashing. Our separation was far from clean–after all we do have a child together. There were times when I am sure that we would have gladly killed each other if we could get away with it. In the end, we somehow (by divine intervention or some similar miracle)manage to put the anger, the pain, the homicidal feelings aside and try to make our parenting relationship work.
Is it easy? No!! Nothing that is really worth having ever is. It is a complicated dance of give and take, of compromise and understanding. And the thing is? Neither of is a great dancer. Our daughter? The Greatest Thing That Ever Happened To Me? She…wow….she can keep us centered like nothing else can. Our daughter is an amazing dancer. I don’t say this just as a gushing “wow my baby is so perfect” type of mom….she is seriously a great dancer. There is something almost ironic about that….how two people who can not dance to save their lives (or marriage) could create such an amazing dancer. That is part of what makes her my “Little Wonder”
